Recently, I
saw a TV clip about a man who was shot and killed many years ago during a
robbery. In the piece, the murdered man’s grown son met and hugged and forgave his
father’s murderer.
I know the
anguish of losing a father as a child, and the lifelong ache of growing up without
him. If instead of cancer, another man had killed my dad, could I bring myself to
forgive him?
Even when
people hurt us by accident, forgiving can be hard. If someone harms us on
purpose, forgiveness can feel impossible. Like most people, I’ve had my share
of opportunities to practice forgiveness. The toughest for me was forgiving
Jim’s ex-wife. I thought I’d faced my harshest forgiveness test, when weeks
before my step-daughter’s wedding, her mother left a phone message uninviting
our entire side of the family to the wedding. She gloated that it had been her
plot all along.
A year later
when my stepdaughter was pregnant with our first grandchild, her mother outdid
herself on the forgiveness meter. She issued an ultimatum to Jim’s son and
daughter—I won’t share my grandchildren. Pick me or your father to be in your life.
Forgiving her,
and them for accepting her ultimatum, has taught me more than I ever wanted to
learn about forgiveness. I’ve yearned for my father most of my life. How can
Jim’s children purposely waste theirs? Even all these years later, as Father’s
Day approaches and old hurts resurface, it helps to remind myself of the four
must-know lessons I’ve learned about Forgiveness.
1)
Forgiveness is for me, not the other
person. I learned the
hard way that holding grudges and obsessing about revenge causes me as much or
more pain than the original offense. Forgiving turns off the resentment-replay
machine in my head, so I can let go and move on.
2) My
own expectations contribute to being hurt by others. Other people don’t always make the
choices I think they “should.” I feel calmer and happier when I accept others as they are and don’t
“should” on them.
3)
I feel best about myself when I
practice the golden and platinum rules—treat
others the way I want to be treated, or even better the way they want to be treated. I can hope
others behave a certain way in return—I can’t control their actions.
4)
Forgiveness makes room for hope. Sometimes we have to let go of
something—even something precious to us—to make room for something else. Hope
helps me believe things will turn out the way they are supposed to and the
future will make sense of the past.
Forgiving has
a magical ability to open our hearts and make room for something better.
Are there resentments
you have held for too long? Is it time to lighten your load and forgive?
And, isn’t feeling
good and having a happier life, ultimately the best revenge?
