Saturday, December 31, 2016

Writing the Story of Your Life

by Carol Brill as told to Chris Brady

In my last post, I shared that my cancer had returned. Turns out that it returned with a vengeance. Anyone who has followed my cancer journey through this blog knows that I have fought with all of my strength and will, but at this point I cannot deny the inevitable.  This cancer is a bitch; she doesn’t care that Carol had plans to go to Florida with Jim in March. She is in charge.

Has that ever happened to you?  You planned, did all the right things, then stuff happened, and suddenly you are on plan B.

Plan B for me is hospice at home. It’s been a transition, physically and emotionally; I have accepted that my future will be measured in days, not months and years. Candidly, it sucks. But the writer in me still sees beauty and meaning in what is transpiring around me.  I’m realizing that things I thought so important have morphed into new versions of what matters.

Choosing Hospice

Early in my career I worked with a physician who was a pioneer in the hospice movement in Philadelphia. I always wondered if I would have the courage to choose hospice. But after a week in the hospital, I realized that hospice would improve my quality of life. And for me that meant:

Being with Jim in the home that we love

Spending time with family and friends with no limitations of hospital hours and protocols

Having independence to get out of bed and walk to the kitchen for a glass of water, and hopefully,

Not having too much pain.

A week into this journey, my definition of quality has narrowed. I struggle to know when I will accept the inevitable and with the help of hospice and my loved ones die with the most dignity possible.

For now, being home brings me joy every day. Waking up to Jim and other family caregivers is a gift. The little jokes they tell me to make me smile and reminiscing about why we love each other sustain me.

So many people in my life from near and far have been coming to see me, and being able to talk to them has made this journey that much more precious and bearable. For now, I’m praying that I can appreciate these little joys and when the pain gets intolerable I’ll know it’s time to let go.

In a previous blog post, I wrote about what not to say to people who have cancer.  In this one, I’d like to share my insights on facing death with a loved one, and perhaps even your own death.

Facing Death with a Loved One

It’s hard to know what a dying person wants you to say or do. You might be inclined to back away thinking you should respect their privacy at such a difficult time. (I know I’ve done that, and now I regret that I might have done more.)

Don’t guess at what your dying friend wants. Ask what you can be for them at this time of their life. Understand that a 10-15 minute visit might be exhausting one day and maybe a 3-hour visit or an hour just holding their hand is what they need on another. Maybe they won’t be able to see you too. Take it from me; this dying thing is exhausting. But always try; ask them to tell you what they want; and listen to what they tell you.

Perhaps you don’t know what to say to a dying loved one.  Here’s what I have enjoyed: People have talked to me about our shared experiences, why they valued our friendship, what they will miss. Be silent if they need that.  Be there for caregivers too.  This is their journey too.

Recalling What Made Life Special


These chats with family and friends have me reflecting on what made my life special. And it’s occurred to me that some people get quantity, others get quality, and the really lucky ones get both. I’m kind of pissed about the quantity part of my life; I’m too young to die. But thank God, I hit the lottery on quality.

I moved to Cape May, a place I love so much at an early age.


I got to be a beach girl, watched thousands of sunsets and walked miles on the beach, the ocean a song for my soul.

I had a terrific career in healthcare.

I wrote and published two novels, Cape Maybe and Peace by Piece.

I retired early and loved living every day completely with Jim.

We lived large. We started going to Florida for winter vacation 15 years ago, extending our break from two weeks to a month and recently to five weeks.



We have wonderful families.

I could go on…

Of course, my greatest joy is that I married the man I love more than anyone in the world, and he loved me back. Through all the years, the ups and downs, we never questioned that we loved each other, and that brought us through the hard times stronger than ever.  My greatest sadness is leaving Jim alone in the world. But as much as it pains me to think about life without each other, I know that he will get through this.





If you take away anything out of this post, take it from me that you are creating the story of your life this very minute. Don’t put off vacations because work is too busy, tell your lover how they complete you, be present in the lives of family and friends, and follow your passions. Go to the beach, or whatever your version of that special place might be.

And feel free to reach out to me in the great beyond if you need a friend.

But not just yet… I am still writing my life story.












37 comments:

  1. Carol, your writing reacquainted us after many years. Your blogs touched me in many ways and helped me grow as a woman. Your novels revealed even more of my inner self through reflection. The characters were palpable, not mere words in a book.

    I hope to be as gracious, caring, loving and supportive as you.

    Too soon. Always.

    Peace and love,

    Mary Anne

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    1. MaryAnn so grateful we had the chance to reconnect

      Best always
      Carol

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  2. Carol, I've only known you a short time but, as I read this blog entry, I realized that you have had a large impact on me. When our AAUW book group and my PA book group read and discussed your books, I was in awe of you as an author. Cape Maybe really resonated with me as a book to recommend to young teens before they have their first crush. When you were able to attend our book discussions it was always interesting to hear your opinion and comments from a writer's perspective.
    If this is too wordy, skip to the end. You have touched me with your honesty, bravery, and willingness to share good and bad. May you have an easy transition from this life to the next with Jim and your closest loved ones by your side. Go in Peace.....

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    1. Mary Jane, I'm grateful our paths crossed and appreciate all the ways you've supported my books
      Best
      Carol

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  3. Carol, my whole career has been in Healthcare HR. And you hired me first. If not for you, I likely would have taken a different path. I thank the heavens often for you and will continue to do so. You started me out with a strong foundation and great mentorship. To date, almost 30 years later, you are the best boss I've ever had. You are a special human and I am blessed to know you. God bless you!

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    1. Marion, mentoring you was so easy because you were so eager to learn and so consistent and reliable. I'm thrilled that opened the door to your successful career. you made an impression on me that I carried through my career too.

      Best, carol

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  4. That you can see the beauty and meaning in what is transpiring around you, Carol, is a gift from God. For us who love you and witness this, it is OUR gift.
    Thank you.
    May the Holy Spirit continue to shine light on your path as you journey. AMEN.

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    1. Thanks Nancy, you and the prayers we've shared help me have the courage to find the joy in each day
      Best
      Carol

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  5. I cried while reading your blog post. It is so poignant. You have provided so much guidance and support to others through out your life and you continue to do so even now at this stage in your life. I know your words will help other people and their families and friends in similar situations and also helps those of us who are your friends and family members.
    I didn't realize you worked with a physician in the hospice field in Philadelphia earlier in your career. I also spent time in graduate school and following that I worked in hospice for a few years. It was one of the most fullfilling and memorable aspects of my career in nursing and I am so glad you chose hospice to help you through this journey. You and Jim are in my thoughts every day. Wishing you beauty, peace and joy in the big and little things each day. Flondly, Diana

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    1. Diana, grateful we've had the chance to know each other better
      Best
      Carol

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  6. Dear Carol,
    What strength you have and what strength you have given me. I read so much but your blog above switched the proverbial light bulb on😱 Thats it!! Do what you can as long as you can and treat others the best that you can. Please remember me when we get to where we are going and we can get acquainted. It will be a pleasure to meet you.Save me a seat..I bet the cushions are soft💗

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    1. Love the way you summed it up. And the idea of saving you a cushy seat makes me smile

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  7. Hi Friend. Thanks for reminding me of what is important. We had some wonderful experiences together creating a thoughtful and caring place to work for people committed to caring for others. I know your life is much larger than a job, but it sure is rewarding to know that, working together, we made a difference for the people. around us......God bless you Carol. David

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    1. David, my years working with and for you at Atlanticare were a very gratifying part of my life. I always admired your commitment to values and doing the right thing. Getting to make a difference for others turned my job into a calling. Thank you for all you did to support me and help me grow
      Best
      Carol

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  8. 2017...I am creating the story of my life this very minute...Thank you so much for these inspiring words. You don't know me yet you've been kind enough to share your soul, your journey with me. You are to me strength, courage and wisdom. You've left footprints on my heart. May the love of God and the peace of God rest and abide with you and yours now and forever.

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    1. Gamalia thank you for letting me know what I wrote made a difference for you
      Best
      Carol

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  9. God bless you on the final miles of your journey. I don't know you, but I do know the journey...I walked beside of my sister for the 6 months she lived with cancer. Sadly she passed away at 42 years young. Prayers for you and Jim <3...Karren Ferguson

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    1. Karen, I'm sorry for your loss.. Thank you for your prayers on this difficult journey
      Best
      Carol

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  10. You have taught me so much, Carol. You have guided me and inspired me. You have showed me and many others the way -- not only by telling your story but by doing and being. An AFG "coincidence" in the January 3 entry in a book we've read together: "I am writing my life story with every single today." You have embodied serenity your whole life ... Love, Kathy

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    1. Kathy grateful for the afg stories we've shared
      Keep writing you life story
      Best
      Carol

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  11. The love of books joined us together and you became a dear member of my bookclub KUYH. The women in this group have developed friendships and bonds of caring for one another. We truly love that we were able to feature your book and have you as a wonderful member. Know that we are thinking of you and praying for you. You are an inspiration!! With love and friendship, Jamise & KUYH

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    1. Jamise, this means more to e Han you can imagine. I so enjoyed getting to know and share books with you and the group
      Best
      Carol

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  12. Carol ~ I so admire your courage and sense of peace as I read your latest blog. You write about your life so well; it's truly a gift you have. You're right -- cancer does suck, especially when you think you've had it licked for good. You have Jim, your friends and a sly sense of humor to help you deal with this. But damn! Why you?
    Last Sept., when we found out Ed has stage-4 lung cancer, I got him a very sweet, sentimental t-shirt. One that perhaps Shakespeare would've written that reads: F**k Cancer. Ed's oncologist loves it. His 77th birthday was just a few days after his diagnosis. So we decided to have a big birthday party for him in our back garden. A friend sent him a hamburger hat which he wore with his Elvis, Hawaiian-style shirt. I hope it's not his last (birthday, that is, hopefully his last food-inspired hat). Hugs and kisses from both Ed and me. Keep writing. Love, Libby

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    1. So much of what I know about peace and serenity I learned from you. I hope Ed makes it to that next birthday
      Love
      Carol

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    2. Thank you, Carol. So nice to read your voice. Love, Libby

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  13. Carol, I put my comment in the wrong place. I hope you get it. Hard to reconstruct. Sending love, Dani

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  14. Carol, We don’t really know each other but you’ve been a part of my life over the last year or two through our connection to books (and the KUYH book club). I’m always amazed when I think about the connections we make without even knowing it, and wanted to let you know that your comments have inspired me to see things in books that I might have missed otherwise. I wish for you to have comfort and peace, and I know that you have the love and support of your family and friends.
    Best wishes,
    Valery

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  15. Carol, Our meeting goes way back (20+ years, KMHP), but I still remember your joy of life and doing the right things for the right reasons. While it is sad to read the blog, it is also, as other have stated, inspiring to see life differently and have someone share such personal reflections and guidance. May you continue to find peace as you put additional touches on life's story.

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  16. Carol,

    I enjoyed going to your workshop about a year or two ago in Cumberland County. After that I read Cape Maybe, I think I still have it on my kindle. God bless you for sharing this intimate journey. If you don't mind, may I share your blog on the Jersey Cape Writers facebook page? Kathy Moore

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    1. I will post a link to the blog on the Jersey Cape Writer's facebook page. Rest in peace lady, you gave us alot to think about with your writing.

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    2. I will post a link to the blog on the Jersey Cape Writer's facebook page. Rest in peace lady, you gave us alot to think about with your writing.

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  17. Carol, I've been following your path through this second bout with cancer and, as you said in your post, have put off writing because I "didn't know what to say". You have convinced me that is not the thing to do, so I will remind you of our online friendship and the times we saw each other in Florida, hashing over the trials of being a new author over grits and eggs.

    I wish this weren't happening to you, but like you say, sometimes we don't get to pick. I think having cancer once readies us for the inevitable somewhat and would like to believe that I would have the same amount of courage as you do. It must have been a hard post to write. I've had two bouts with the Big C myself, so would not be terribly surprised to see it rear it's ugly head again.

    Like you said, you've had the love of your life, a career, you've written two really, really good books, you've lived on the beach, so that's all good. You have done things, taught people things, and kept learning throughout the different stages of your life. I hope your remaining days are filled with joy, and most of all peace.

    Lynn Schneider

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  18. Carol,

    Your talent and cheerful personality are a pleasure and I am always glad to see a message in my inbox from you. I pray for you daily and hope for your utmost comfort. Please let me know if there is anything I can do. Maria Taney

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  19. Carol,

    "They say it's your birthday...na, na, na, na, na na, na na..." so happy birthday to-ooh you-ooh-ooh!" (Ringo Starr drum solo)...

    I hope you are spending it in peace and comfort, with lots of cake, ice cream and candles to help celebrate your wonderful life with those you love. Here's a big hug across the miles from San Francisco to Cape May!!
    Love, Libby

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  20. I only just read about you and also just found out you have passed on to the heavenly beyond. Rest in peace. It sounds like you led a wonderful complete life. Thank you for your words.

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